


i want to be with you, anyway

by powerfulantidote



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Loss, and it helped some friends too, mostly the first one, this is how i cope with loss besides making loss.jpg memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 18:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19215073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/powerfulantidote/pseuds/powerfulantidote
Summary: "And maybe it's quieter now, with their failures painting the city night, but at least it means the two can hold hands without anyone seeing."





	i want to be with you, anyway

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goldenpuno](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenpuno/gifts).



> Some people??????? Write fic????? To cope???? 
> 
> I wrote this as a way to get my own feelings out on the season and the people I met and what I want to take with me, and for my friends and a celebration of them. Then I projected it onto two men I'll never meet.

It’s when the shock wears out that reality sets in for Danton. An understanding of what’s happened going from a sharp pain to a steady ache. 

The locker room is a different kind of quiet than when they entered. No more background noise of a celebration or media demanding answers. Most of the older guys have already headed home. They want to be with their families, want to transition into summer as fast as possible. 

Things were different for the younger guys, the one’s Danton had played with Providence and fought for roster spots with. They only had each other. No one wanted to be alone right now. 

“We should, like, hang and...well, not have a celebration, but…” It’s Charlie who suggests it as the remaining players found themselves delaying leaving, finding new topics to keep them in the locker room. Danton and Brandon reminisced on some of their best roommate antics to lighten the mood and have a reason to stick around. Matt and Sean made hypothetical minigolf plans to play against Jake and Charlie. 

They’ll see each other again. In a few days, it’ll be time to clear lockers. But it won’t be the same. Won’t be like this. 

“A funeral?” Matt’s voice is a little rough even in the attempt at humor, more subdued than hysterical now. 

Of the remaining guys, Matt and Charlie were the most visibly shaken. The ones who were crying through their post-game interview while Jake sat in the corner, stunned. Danton cried, too. Hard enough to think he was going to throw up, hard enough to block out the sounds of the arena and the celebrations of the Blues. Allowed himself time on the bench to sob before the cameras would be on him and his parents would see pictures. 

Danton never was a fan of strong emotions. Hated anger more than anything, an anomaly in the sport of hockey. There was a nature to him to mediate things, keep his head on his shoulders and give some kind of rational optimism to the people around him. Tonight, he had no positives to give that wouldn’t sound naive. Only a few taps to guys like Charlie he couldn’t help but want to take care of. 

After a few beats too many of silence, Danton decides to answer Matt’s question. “More of a _Party At The End Of The World_ feeling, I think.” 

“Leave it to you to reference Jimmy Buffett at a time like this.” The playful sentence from Sean comes with a hand on Danton’s shoulder. 

It has never mattered how bad Danton feels, doesn’t matter how empty he feels right now, Sean doing something just as simple as teasing him like that will always make him feel half full. 

Sean didn’t cry, not even a voice crack, and it’s usually Sean’s who’s more open with his emotions between the two of them. He’s the one that screams at the television when the protagonists in a horror film make a bad decision, who keeps scrapbooks, and who teared up when Danton made him breakfast in bed when he broke his hand. The one who tells college stories and plays with Danton’s hair while Danton plays Sudoku on his phone. The one who asked Danton out, and the one who said I love you first. 

So when Danton looks up at Sean, standing over him in his stall, he’s worried at the composure. Worried about when he will break. With only Jake, Charlie, and Matt in the room who already know what’s going on with them, Danton has no reservations about squeezing Sean’s hand in an attempt at comfort. He’s never been great at the verbal stuff but found other ways to communicate. 

There’s a twinkle in Jake’s eyes. “I’m okay with some Buffett, could go for some margaritas and boat drinks right now.” 

Sean raises an eyebrow.

“I can make a liquor run, less likely to recognize me than you.” 

There’s no question that Danton will go with him, that Sean’s not at least somewhat offering so he can get some alone time with Danton. It would be the first they got any since the game ended unless you count lingering touches and long gazes. 

Everyone else knows it too. Danton and Sean hardly left each other's side, and it was second nature to the team at this point. A welcomed but unsaid routine. 

Matt confirms it as he shoves a few crumpled bills at Danton. “Get whatever gets us drunk the fastest.”

\-----

Danton listened to Matt’s advice: something hard and a little too expensive for the lack of occasion right now. The man at the liquor store didn’t have a clue who Sean and Danton were, a relief considering they’re not exactly heroes of the city at the moment.

The walk back to TD Garden is eerily quiet. A city that went to bed way earlier than planned. Sean kicks an empty beer can to himself, a one-man soccer star, recalling a memory for Danton. Earlier this year on Halloween, dressed as 1920s gangsters together as they joined their teammates in filling the streets with laughter. How Sean kept kicking rocks on the street at the other guys, and how Danton kept catching him staring for far too long. How he knew he was in love in a way he hadn’t been before. 

And maybe it's quieter now, with their failures painting the city night, but at least it means the two can hold hands without anyone seeing. 

“We never went to crane beach,” Sean breaks the night's dead air. Following the bye week, he and Danton make a list of other vacations to do together after the Bahamas went well. Sure, the guys were with them, but it was the first time sharing a room without it being technically run by the team like going to China was. Danton’s mom told him that going on vacation together was the real relationship test, that and building furniture. She likes Sean. Always has. 

“We can go during the preseason. Be less crowded anyway.” Another hand squeeze comes with Danton’s words, something he finds himself doing often. 

“Remember when we went to Plymouth Rock? And it turned out it was nothing but a rock _and_ you also told me it probably isn’t the original rock?” 

Laughter escapes Danton. “I didn’t know you’d be so upset. I did offer to steal it for you.” 

The fondness of the memory, and of Sean’s laughter at it, brings more relief than any of the pain medication everyone was taking by the finals did. It turns the silence significantly more comfortable. Sean has a way of doing that.

In a whisper, Sean turns the mood around again. “I don’t want it to end.” 

“I know, I don’t either...but at least with us, we have our careers ahead of us-”

“No, I mean right now. Everyone in that locker room, too, but like, you and me.” He’s always had confidence, but Danton doesn’t think he’s heard Sean so sure of himself before.

At the same time, he’s not sure how that’s related to tonight. “Better not want it to end, I’m here to say.” 

Danton beams at him, a smile as if Sean hung the moon and stars even on a night like this, and it's going to take a lot to convince him he didn’t. 

Through closed eyes, out comes the vulnerability Danton was expecting from Sean. “I just wanted something to remember this by, the falling in love and shit. They don’t really have reunions for second place, you know.” 

He does know. It’s not like he wasn’t thinking it too. This wasn’t just about all the work on the ice. Wasn't even just about the personal narratives going into the season. There was a connection on this team Danton hadn’t felt before, not even last season. A puzzle almost complete except a piece missing in the center, can’t stay on the table forever. 

“No names in history books, no documentaries…” Danton swings Sean’s hand a bit. 

“They won’t remember us.” A sad smile crosses Sean’s face, and the word bittersweet comes to mind for Danton. 

“I’ll remember.” 

The garden is in sight now, and Danton decides to soak up the image while he still can. This is the building he got his first NHL goal in, played his first playoffs, fell in love, lost the cup, found out how broad the definition of family could be. Maybe the most important building Danton’s ever been in.

“I was thinking…” Sean begins, before slowing his pace until they eventually come to a halt. 

“That new?” Chirping Sean feels natural to Danton, but Sean barely seems to notice. He takes both of Danton’s hands in his now and that’s how Danton knows what he’s going to say will be important. 

“I thought if we won the cup, that be the monument we needed. As a team, as people, as a couple. Kinda got a wrench thrown in my plan,” Sean manages to make Danton laugh at a wound still fresh before continuing. 

“But I don’t know..I’m not ready to let this moment pass, or at least, I want to let it grow into a bigger and better moment.

“And I thought about when I was a kid and all I wanted was the cup and some pair of Heelys. But then, during my post-game interview, they asked about ‘the group of guys’ or whatever, and I thought of you, ‘cause I couldn’t dream you up as a kid but I think I’d rather lose the cup with you than win without you in my life.” 

Danton had been pretty good at keeping it together, but Sean seems determined to get him to cry again. There was barely any space between them, almost nose to nose in the empty city street, tearing up and holding hands. 

Sean knelt down. “So, when I said I was thinking...I kinda realized it would be pretty cool if you married me, or some shit.” 

There is only so much shock Danton can handle in one night. He almost drops the box of concealed alcohol. 

“Or some shit?” Is all he can think to say, before adding. “You mean like, right now.” 

An urgent sense of anxiety overtakes Sean. “If you want, obviously, like, we don’t have to. I just, I can’t picture anyone else...”

Danton finds himself getting down on his knees, too, to be back at eye level, arms around Sean’s neck. If anyone saw them, it would be pretty incriminating. 

But fuck it. 

The reply comes out half as a laugh. “I’d like to marry you or some shit, yeah.” 

Sean pulls him close in an instant, and Danton can feel he’s crying a little again, but it’s no longer the type of cry he’s worried about. “I don’t have a ring. Kinda made a rash decision, I mean, I always thought it would be cool to marry you. Just thought I’d have some swans or a band when I asked.” 

Inspiration strikes Sean. He finishes the sentence and pulls away from Danton for a moment. 

On his hand is a basic, black ring he always wears, one his grandfather left when he died and Sean said he took because he didn’t leave much else. 

Sean slides his own ring off his hand, gently taking Danton’s to place it on his. A few moments of speechlessness passes, but it’s not like the ones from earlier. Those were a lack of words about the end, this is a lack of words about the beginning. 

Finally, Danton spoke up. “Gryz is gonna be so mad we took so long.”

“Gryz is gonna be mad when Jake pours a champagne bottle on us.” 

They’re not champions tonight, they’re not heroes, they won’t get any books written about this year.

What Danton does know is he’s not going to sleep feeling lost and he’s not going to sleep alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to like comment and subscribe if you enjoyed the video. This is maybe the shortest and, funnily enough, the happiest I've written them.


End file.
